I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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