I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
