What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Church boner. Awkwardddd
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
