I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
