Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
