i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
