I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
