at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Randomize
