yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i love accidental penises.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
