you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
