When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
