You're a womanizer and a bitch.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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