paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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