Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Someone shattered a urinal.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Randomize
