Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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