If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
