You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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