I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
