Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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