how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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