i need an iv and a liver transplant
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
