I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
