You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
