Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
