I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
