I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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