So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
