I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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