I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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