I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
