Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
