i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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