I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
