I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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