I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
