my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
