I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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