Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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