i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
BRING THE BAGELS
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
