I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
