You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
