Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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