omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
