so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
