wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
