Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
