I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
