His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
