You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
