I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
